Being in a official relationship for close to half a year now after having a break from one for close to 4 years previously, I'm not too sure how I should be feeling.
I've found out that relationships bring the best and worst out of you. I'm feeling emotions that were not made known to me. Being quite rational and perspective-minded (if I could say so myself) when I was single is quite a stark contrast of how I sometimes am now. I would like to blame it on PMS and my changing hormones for my sometimes irrational thoughts and behavior. Like woah, I don't even know I'm capable of being so whiny and girly?! I'm starting to ask myself whether I'm a sadist with my sometimes pessimistic and irrational fear that something will go wrong. I guess, I have just seen my fair share of wrongs in relationships and fear to be in that state. I mean, of course, there there, don't judge me just yet, I don't actually act irrationally in my relationship, it's more of like irrational thoughts in my mind. I'm still capable of trying to keep these thoughts in control, or at least that's what I think.
But quite frankly, I'm a little freaked out by the things I feel. The irrational thinking that I occasionally experience would not have been a problem if I were to be a bystander. I would have easily put things into perspective and gave sound advices.
I guess it's always clearer to be in a bystander's POV as contrary to being the casts in a relationship where you are so involved and lost amidst. Or perhaps it's just easier being in a bystander's POV because you just give advices based on a analytical perspective because you are not feeling the emotions.
It's almost like being in a roller coaster ride sometimes. Probably not as extreme but my emotions seem to be heightened. I get more easily affected by a single person - emotions like happiness, sadness, anger, insecurity, vulnerability, everything, it's all heightened almost. And this scares me sometimes. I ask myself "am I becoming too dependent on that someone?"
When I was single, I used to be really independent. After all, I'm used to settling my emotions and affairs myself. Now, I'm equally capable of being at the same independence level, but, I just yearn for someone to share my burden. Which, I don't know... It scares me just a little bit more too, why am I being reliant when I could have settled it easily by myself?
I have always visualized relationships to be picture perfect like in the movies / romance stories. This is especially more when I'm a Virgo seeking perfection. But I have learnt that it's far from it in real life. It's not all rainbow and glitter, it's well, a mixture of other less desired emotions.
As the relationship progresses, perhaps due to the attribution of my personality, I start to ask myself "am I doing this right", "is this normal", "what if this, what if that". As contrary to believing everything will naturally fall in place, it's far from that, at least for me. It's a constant input of effort from both side to try to make things "fall in place" and work out.
Perhaps I'm just being too whiny, but forgive me because I haven't been in a relationship for a period of time. It feels a little bit, out of my comfort zone being in a relationship I guess. I guess it takes reminders for myself to remind myself how I was, what I want, who I actually am to keep myself on track and not lose myself amidst.
And this is probably an attempt to help myself put things in perspective like how I would have. Well, I don't know. I'm seeing it as a kind of learning, learning about the ropes of making something work and also learning more about myself.
(Just a disclaimer: nothing is wrong between us in case anyone is wondering. Guess this is just a phase I have to get through myself)
