Drained

Wew it has been such a mentally and physically exhausting week 'coz of prelims and whatnots and I'm so done with all these right now.

I have made some discoveries about myself these days and I'm really not liking it.

Talking to an old friend made me realise how much I have changed over the years. He made a point on why I'm so pessimistic and what changed me as such when I was ranting about my studies. And I realised, he made a good point. I have become gradually pessimistic over time as contrast to my outlook in life in the past, thinking about the worst case scenario most of the times. Not only pessimistic, I'm also becoming such a worrywart in life in general.

I guess, as I got hurt and lost hope in people who matter to me time and time again,  I started to have low expectations in outcomes. Or maybe it's because I have failed myself in certain occasions in the past which lead to me starting to trust myself less to perform.

Perhaps this is all just a defence mechanism, a screwed up one nonetheless, as I tell myself to not expect anything and if anything turns out better than what I expected, it's a bonus. I don't know.

I've found myself to be someone weak mentally as well - giving up rather easily and thinking of the worst even before giving my best shot. And don't even get me started on how undisciplined I am with countless procrastinations. 

I may be too hard with myself with these criticisms for myself as usual but I can't help but feel disappointed with myself. And there I wonder why I always see myself in a bad light.

This led me to another point, if I can't even love and take care of myself well, how am I in any way more capable of loving and caring for someone else then?

I really have so much soul-searching, reflecting and learning to do for myself. I should probably stop discounting myself so much at times and find a way to curb all these unnecessary over-thinking and fears.

Hi guys, I'm currently lounging at my bf's place eating mini doughnuts. It's such a bad time to fall sick now with cny and prelims coming up but guess who's sick? Yes, me!

The sentence that one of my lecturers always says seems to be very apt at this very moment - "dear god, there must be a better way of living" lol. I have been unwell since last thurs with body ache, slight fever, headaches, flu here and there, on and off. And I guess its all attributed to my wisdom tooth growing. My gum at the back hurts right now and I can't even eat bread properly, wo de tian ah.

I'm hoping the pain subsides soon so that I can properly enjoy all the cny goodies ):

Anyway, some sweetie is nursing me to health rn by forcing me to drink lots of water and making me peppermint tea while we speak or rather as I type now. I swear this sweetheart of mine makes my life so much easier in so many ways and I can't be more glad to have him by my side right now. Although he's kinda being annoying eating chocolate, ice cream and cny goodies beside me right now while I can't eat them, so.....

Realised we kind of reached a new peak of our relationship when I found myself trying to squeeze his pimple and dig his ear for him earlier on. Feels like we are some old couple around each other doing all these but I'm not complaining because it means we are comfortable around each other I guess.

In other news, I just went for my very first blood test recently. I have always been fearing needles my whole life, dreading injections / blood tests, anything to do with needles at all. The last time I had an injection, it didn't went well at all. I was so scared and tensed up the doctor was all like "can you relax, the needle cannot come out" while the needle was inside me cos my muscle is too tense.

But I figured out that my health problems are something that I can't turn a blind eye to anymore, so I just pluck up my courage one teary night and asked Marcus to accompany me. So I finally did it with his companion (kudos to this boy for waiting hours at the polyclinic with me even though he hates waiting the most) and I figured I should have done it much much earlier. I should have done it back then when I felt the need to instead of procrastinating it because it really doesn't hurt as I've imagined it to. As compared to an injection, it's really pretty painless I suppose. The only sad / bad thing is that they couldn't find the vein on my right arm initially so I ended up getting poked on both hands and now I have a big bruise on my right arm. Oh well ):

Right now, I'm just hoping I get well soon with my schedule being pretty packed up ahead. ):