Drained

Wew it has been such a mentally and physically exhausting week 'coz of prelims and whatnots and I'm so done with all these right now.

I have made some discoveries about myself these days and I'm really not liking it.

Talking to an old friend made me realise how much I have changed over the years. He made a point on why I'm so pessimistic and what changed me as such when I was ranting about my studies. And I realised, he made a good point. I have become gradually pessimistic over time as contrast to my outlook in life in the past, thinking about the worst case scenario most of the times. Not only pessimistic, I'm also becoming such a worrywart in life in general.

I guess, as I got hurt and lost hope in people who matter to me time and time again,  I started to have low expectations in outcomes. Or maybe it's because I have failed myself in certain occasions in the past which lead to me starting to trust myself less to perform.

Perhaps this is all just a defence mechanism, a screwed up one nonetheless, as I tell myself to not expect anything and if anything turns out better than what I expected, it's a bonus. I don't know.

I've found myself to be someone weak mentally as well - giving up rather easily and thinking of the worst even before giving my best shot. And don't even get me started on how undisciplined I am with countless procrastinations. 

I may be too hard with myself with these criticisms for myself as usual but I can't help but feel disappointed with myself. And there I wonder why I always see myself in a bad light.

This led me to another point, if I can't even love and take care of myself well, how am I in any way more capable of loving and caring for someone else then?

I really have so much soul-searching, reflecting and learning to do for myself. I should probably stop discounting myself so much at times and find a way to curb all these unnecessary over-thinking and fears.