2 years ago, upon getting back my O Level results, I was eligible to all of the courses in polytechnic and also several junior college.
This year, upon getting back my A Level results, I wasn't even good enough for the local universities.
Why A Levels
All along studying in secondary school, I have never ever thought of going to JC. I was more inclined towards the idea of polytechnic and wanted to study business courses. However, the fear of not being able to get into any of the local university was the main reason I went to JC.
Before A Levels
I got into Junior College with a clear mind to succeed. I remember the first few days I started school I started studying hard, reading what the teachers gave me, completing my homework. But soon came the tests, honestly, it was a huge jump from O levels, I did badly and I guess I got disheartened. I remember studying for Chemistry and failing it. Tests after tests, I started giving up.
I told myself how hard JC was and allowed myself to be disheartened from setbacks. As time passes by, I realise how more and more I gave lesser concern towards failing and striving for my best. I had lots and lots of excuses for myself, and of course the back up plans I have in mind just to cushion the hurt from failing.
In JC 1, I barely scrape through. I took the re-exam and I didn't even take it seriously, studying very last minute for it but fortunately managed to promote.
JC 2 came by and I told myself once again since I was given to chance to promote I should be grateful and do my very best. That year I had several problems at home and it also became one of my many excuses to not take things too hard. I had extremely poor time management, giving up very easily.
I had to admit towards the middle of the year I played truancy on several accounts. I realise I had no much interest to school anymore. Although towards the end of the year, around prelims, I bucked up and improved, I soon lost the discipline again.
It's not like I'm a very lazy person in JC, in fact I do do my tutorials (except subjects that I really dislike) , I go for some consultations, I have my motivated moments studying in school till late nights. It's just that I always end up letting my emotions and lazy side get the better of me and.... I guess just gave up.
Nearing A levels that's when I did started to panic, I realise how much I do not know about the chemistry syllabus, not even the basics but still I didn't put in sufficient effort in it. With all those fear and overwhelming things to learn and pressure, I guess I opt for the easy way out.
I even convince myself that not doing well for A levels is ok (hell it's far from ok) , even before A level started I had in mind and information about retaking A level and SIM. And I guess this is the part that most of the A level students who did well will be looking at me in disgust and thinking I'm a failure to the whole A level system. Truth to admit, I don't even know what I was thinking at that point. I let my feelings get the better of me and slowly gave up.
I guess I didn't really put in effort for my exams. Hell I was even lazier than my promos. I did studied for some paper like GP and maths but it was really last minute. I guess at that point I also had those kind of O level mindset that I can make it even if I studied last minute.
I actually was a last minute person my whole academic path and managed to do rather okay in the end. I guess it's not the same deal for A level.
Chemistry exam came along (chem was my worst subject in JC, I know nuts about it) , I swear I didn't even know half of what the paper is talking about. That day after chem I knew I was going to fail. And guess what I did. I gave up for Geog and econs. I merely studied a few hours for it even though both were subjects I like.
If you ask me again what I was doing last year, I would tell you I honestly don't know. Or rather what I was doing my whole JC life, I really don't know.
And right now, that I got back my A levels results, although I manage to get one A and one B, the rest was horrible and definitely not enough for local university. I'm not sure yet whether I should retake my A level exams or opt for the private university route.
But what I got out of my A level route are some lessons that would stay with me for life :
1) Don't think that you can't even before you start the journey. If you think that the route ahead is going to be difficult and you won't do well, trust me, you won't. If you think that you can, you will then put in enough effort to make sure you will succeed. So don't doubt yourself.
2) Don't look back. Once you have decided on a future path, you make sure you do the best out of it. It's you who make the decision, and no matter how tough it is, make sure you do it well.
3) Believe. Don't doubt what your teachers say. Trust them, trust the things they ask you to do. Trust yourself and trust that you can.
I used to blame it on all the problems I have. But what I learnt is that ultimately no matter what external factors there are, I am the one who allow those factors to get to me and affect me. If anything happens, I am the one who is in blame. Nothing else, no one else.
There were countless times I wished I could just turned back the clock and start my JC journey newly afresh. I would have make different decisions, adopt a different attitude. But truth to be told, it's impossible. And like what my CT tutor told me, A levels is just a blip. Look forward, be optimistic and bounce back. And stop dwelling on the blame.
Even though I'm filled with regrets and anger towards myself, I only have the future to move towards now. I hope that I wouldn't make a hasty and wrong decision and that I would truly grow and be more matured on what the future brings.
On a side note, through my journey in JC and also after collecting my results, I found people who care and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Words wouldn't be able to convey how thankful I am to some people.
I won't fail again, if I believe. I will rise up and above again.
On a side side note, I posted this because I wanted to be true to myself. Being a sensitive person, I'm positive there will be people judging me after they read this.
But, oh well, I believe that having the courage to point out what you did wrong and acknowledging it is one way to move on. I also believe in penning down my thoughts to re-assure certain message to myself. So, eh, yup.
Also, in case there's really someone out there reading this that have the exact same thoughts as me and giving up. Don't, okay? You can do it.
