I cried pretty badly awhile ago just now. And to think about it, it was just out of a normal conversation. Watched a touching video that was taken during a wedding and asked my mum whether she will give a wedding speech on my wedding. Told her that I think I would want to give a speech during my wedding.
And she told me that she didn't thought about it and only thought about wanting a speech during funeral (touchwood). And then I thought further about it, and then started thinking life without her and started crying so badly. I just can't imagine life without her, at all.
She's practically my best friend and my biggest company. She sees me at my worst, see me acting like a kid all the time and love me still. And she's practically the strongest women I ever know, handling all the financial problems and all the problems but yet never breaks down.
Honestly, life without her (touchwood), I can't imagine. I would have no one to really understand me and lose my biggest company. Because my mum is the only one who I act completely me and be my most comfortable and natural self that I believe no one else saw. Urgh shit I type this until I cry again.
Anyway, and then I consoled myself that maybe in the future my husband will be my "mum", and be my life. But personally, I'm someone who thinks a lot or rather overthinks. It's like, your family are the one who will be with you no matter what. Your spouse can always leave you for another woman, by then, I will be all alone if my parents are not around (touchwood) anymore.
If losing someone hurts so much, I must as well not get emotionally involved with anyone...... I doubt I can handle the pain of losing my loved ones.... But, that's life, right? You can't possibly control who you love and how you feel.
I guess the only thing I could do now is to really treasure the times I have with my loved ones and actually mean it from the bottom of my heart.
Also, another aspect is about financial comfort in life. Today, I drove past big bungalows and houses. And I felt really sad.
I realise I really really really want to be well-to-do / rich with no financial worries. In the sense that I can actually just spend money without thinking so many times and spend it freely on people I love.
I felt sad because I regretted all the missed opportunities I had.. How I didn't studied hard in school, and how I didn't pushed myself more.
And then I thought, at this point, should I be telling myself instead that material assets in life is not that important and to not be so bothered about materialistic comforts or should I be telling myself to work even harder to achieve my desired wealth? Ok now I think of it, the correct choice would probably be pushing myself to achieve materialistic comfort and also at the same time be satisfied with what I have as well.
These are the thoughts that are bothering me lately. I don't think anyone would actually understand what I'm trying to say. And this even supports my point further that I can't imagine life without my mum. Because she's the only few that can hold this kind of conversation about life and logical stuff with me. And is actually as interested as I am. ): URGH.
It's kinda weird also how recently I thought about studies and actually felt that "omg GP / econs / Geog" is so fun. Like I actually want to study them because I like them and not because I need to. I guess taking a break of studying and working, seeing the world out there has really broaden my perspective on certain subject matters in life. If only I didn't gave up so easily and pushed on a little more last time.
And if only "if only" exists huh?
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