Fear

I feel a constant need to tell people all the bad things I have done. The not so glamorous things, the things that I regret now, the lazy things I do, everything.

Or the constant need to show people how I really look like when I'm lazily sitting unglamly on the couch. Not the one on my profile picture. The real everyday look me. Not the exceptionally nicer looking moments. 

Or the constant need to tell people all the bad thoughts I harbor in my mind. Not the politically correct one that I sometimes try to form. The ones that all humans naturally harbor. 

Because I am afraid that once someone found out my less bearable side years ago (even if I am not the person anymore) from someone else, they will look down on me and leave me.

Or when someone ultimately figure me out gets disappointed by the more glamorous facade I put on. 

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I guess I just can't put down the fears of the past that I now look back and despise myself of. If only I could turn back time, I will make sure I won't be that impressionable and easily influenced teen anymore to be manipulated by you. 

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But pffft not that I even did any crime and unforgivable things back then. And everyone probably had their childish times. I guess I just prefer to be picture perfect like a Virgo yearn. Or I'm just really sensitive. I really need to be easy on myself.

But either way, I really dislike you. Nothing but a selfish and egocentric manipulator. But why do you still affect me so much up to now?