Beautifully coated pain

It's Wednesday! Which also means its half way through the long week, yay! This week for me has been non stop post mortem and pw. And I have to say , it's pretty sian.....

I've been like falling asleep almost every lesson. Its almost like every lesson the teachers turn into lullabies, and sing that soothing piece. the lighting dimmed and blurred out( as my eyes closes that is) and i start to get into my own little world. Yes i know my analogy/description is bad but you get my point . I'm just trying to act chim.

And this is bad, really bad. I wasn't like that when I was in secondary school. I don't know why. I guess I gave up again, thinking it doesn't matter if I don't understand because I have next year to repeat everything.

Which yet brought me to my next point. My attitude this year towards studies.

I've been reflecting about things quite a bit and I had this talk with my uncle . I told him about school and I said I might just retain. All ready to fight my thoughts on why I don't mind retaining. But he said something that shook me up once more. He said. Retaining means losing your job opportunity to others. Retaining means you get a job later than other. Retaining means one lesser year of experience than others. Retaining is not just one more year repeating the same thing , you lose out.

I thought about it for awhile. Yup he's ........ right . All these while I've been giving myself excuses. Plainly excuses. I soon live amongst excuses. After I screwed up my studies, I told myself "it's okay. You can always stay back one more year. If it can means brushing up your foundation for A's , so be it , you will do better next year" . But the next question to myself is. How many times of a much better has I achieved every time I screwed up and tell myself I will buck up? How many times have I actually put in at least half of my effort? The truth is, I hadn't buck up and all the results ain't even half of my effort most of the time.

I gave up and created too much excuses for myself. Before exams even come, I already coated a layer of excuses for myself. This layer was a coward act, an act to escape from the tough and pain of studying . An act of making myself feel better off. This layer protected me and gave me comfort for awhile. But it was yet another seemingly normal yet detrimental layer of further harm for myself .

I ought to wake up. Promos over. I might as well not make it for retest. But if there's retest, the correct thing to do might just be to work hard.

Well. thats the logically correct answer. but with a little of im not too sure if its excuses or my real beliefs, I'm not too sure now if retaining is a wise choice anymore. I really don't. The excuses for myself is too overwhelming it blinded me out at times.

Hmm. I too am amazed at the swaying opinions I can have from extremes at times. I guess I need to build up a strong mind that comes with determination, focus, perseverance and a strong will.